Roland T. Flakfizer: I've stepped into my own private little hell. Roland T. Flakfizer: Miss! These seats are dreadful! They're facing the stage! Rocco Melonchek: Charity work. I gather these for those less fortunate than ourselves who can't afford pornography. Roland T. Flakfizer: I know she's fourteen because I was dating her a year ago! Roland T. Flakfizer: Money's no object! It isn't mine! Roland T. Flakfizer: A Flakfizer doesn't know the meaning of the word 'NO', and we're a little fuzzy on 'petnagluten' and 'viscocity'... Roland T. Flakfizer: I didn't know the meaning of the word 'NO', but he had it down pretty good. Stage Hand: Five minutes, Mr. Volare.
Roland T. Flakfizer: Five minutes?! My GOD! Have you consulted another doctor?Roland T. Flakfizer: Some day you'll have my children. In fact, they're in the car if you want them. Rocco Melonchek: Have you got a dental plan?
Roland T. Flakfizer: Lose a tooth, you get two free.Roland T. Flakfizer: If there's anything I can ever do for you...forget it, because I don't do those kinds of things. Lazlo: As your trusted lawyer...
Roland T. Flakfizer: You can use those words together?Rocco Melonchek: You're lying.
Roland T. Flakfizer: Of course I am, but hear me out!Roland T. Flakfizer: And who of you will tell their story to my young, 24-year-old, Miss International-Wet-T-Shirt-Champion, nymphomaniac secretary?
Crowd of men: 'Yo!' 'Over here!' 'Yeah!'Roland T. Flakfizer: Please, call me what everyone else calls me: 'Your Royal Sex Machine'