Delivering a Severe Beating to Straw Men Everywhere

I don’t know the source, but this appears on a classroom wall:

Text on a classroom wallLet’s take these 1 by 1…

  1. Dear Black Students: In this classroom, your life matters. (But only in the classroom, apparently. Huh. I would have said it matters everywhere.)
  2. Dear Muslim Students: You are not terrorists. (That is, unless this unknown wall is from the University of DartmouthBunker Hill Community College , Chowan University or North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University, Virginia Tech or USUHS, Stanford University, Indian State CollegeCalifornia State University, UC-Merced, UT-Chattanooga, and on and on and on. Actually, this may be the stupidest statement up here because how can anyone categorically state it?)
  3. Dear LGBTQ+whatever: Your life is beautiful and allowed to expand past fake social rules. (Otherwise known as actual social rules, because nobody has to overcome fake rules. As for “your life is beautiful”, that’s the kind of meaningless uplifting pap one can say so long as you’re not actually picturing the hairy men in ass-less chaps at the parade.)
  4. Dear Female Students: Men cannot grab you. (They have hands. They can. Grammar aside, lots of women love being grabbed…especially by billionaires who are known to swap out wives for new hotties. I think this one needs a total rewrite to address the real issue of consent. And by the way…how LOW is the bar now that this is all you’re willing to say to the female students? So…rapes will NOT be happening on the pinball game during class time? Finally, a professor willing to take a stand on this troubling issue!)
  5. Dear Latino(a) Students: You are not rapists and drug dealers. (There absolutely are some of these of every race on any campus, so this one is even statistically more unwise than the terrorist one.)
  6. Dear Illegal Immigrant Students whose only difficulty is a lack of papers which happens when you break the law: In this classroom there are no walls. (Says the…sign. On a wall.)

Hollywooooood On Strike!

So celebrities are trying to get a huge strike going, which will last until Trump steps down.


So, let me understand the “threat” here:

  • We won’t see Rosie O’Donnell, Ed Asner, or any of the other committed liberals who join the strike on our screens until the strike ends.
  • Republicans like Michael Bay will still make movies.
  • The movies, now “hurting” for stars, will employ the Republican actors who sometimes struggle due to their outspoken views. Dwight Schultz will play the spy chief giving out assignments to superspy Freddie Prinze Jr. as he battles arch-villain Clint Howard.
  • Since most of the gays in the industry will be protesting, the remaining working actors will look less metrosexual and more rugged because no one is doing their hair or make-up.
  • If successful, the movie industry will take a huge hit, crippling the economy of the biggest blue state, leaving thousands of liberals unemployed or struggling, and there will be less money to donate to Democrats.

Did ANYONE think this through?

Paint Sets, Cake Decorating and Forced Female Circumcision

Lots of hot-headed foofaraw about the Hobby Lobby case on my Facebook wall, all about how there’s a need to separate religion from business, etc., because it’s dictating what employees can do with their bodies.

And this is exactly why Obamacare is totally wrong.

Look: some religious people opened a business.  Are you saying religious people cannot open businesses?  Aren’t you, really?  Okay, then.  It’s okay for religious people to own and run businesses.

Their principals and ethics are part of the business…just as they are in ALL BUSINESSES. Do liberals object to Chipotle buying free-range chicken and locally sourced vegetables, or to Trader Joe’s which clearly has principals about the quality of their food?  If you don’t like the principals of any business, do you order the business how to operate, or do you go somewhere else?  (Okay, yes, if you’re a liberal, you do both. See Wal-Mart.)

Same for employees: if you don’t like a business, don’t work there. That’s the way it’s been throughout time.  In fact, ever since many businesses started offering medical insurance (BTW: because of government price controls), insurance compensation has been a factor in job choices.  (“Hmm. They offer more money, but I’d go from my gold standard insurance to a much higher deductible and co-pay.”)

As for birth control, it’s not terribly expensive, and until recently no one thought it needed to be covered by insurance.  Insurance is for emergencies.  Having sex is not an emergency; if you can’t afford at least a dollar for a condom, you’re too poor to be having sex.  Make better life choices, like keeping your knees together until you’ve found a dollar.  Quote Monty Python to your friends; that is the best form of free birth control.

Hobby Lobby has offered a good medical insurance, but it doesn’t cover abortions, abortifacents or other birth control [CORRECTION: Hobby Lobby actually offers lots of birth control!].  They don’t interfere in their employees’ personal lives, they don’t stop them from getting abortions, they don’t stop them from buying birth control.  Again, this is all the American way.  Everyone is making choices here.

If Hobby Lobby’s insurance provider suddenly said that they had decided, as a company, to cover abortions, Hobby Lobby could have had the options to select a different provider, or at worst drop medical insurance and instead raise wages to compensate .

Then the government came along and demanded that all businesses must offer insurance that violates the consciences of many people who run businesses.  While Hobby Lobby didn’t start their business because they wanted to get into medical insurance, now the government forces them to.  If they don’t, they have to pay a big fine…which goes towards providing abortions under Obamacare, so they’re no less out of the paying-for-abortions loop.

But, to judge by my Facebook wall, many Americans think it is wrong of Hobby Lobby to have ethics.  To hear them tell it, Hobby Lobby will be stoning women next.  That’s the next step, right after “refusing to pay for abortions.”

Welcome IMAO readers, and thanks for making me Link of the Day, Harvey!

Forget Team Edward and Team Jacob

So in the Time Machine, the time traveler finds that humanity has diverged into two species.

One kind is made up of witless incompetents who have everything provided for them and never question it. All they do is have sex, presumably leading to a lot of babies … although the author never mentions pregnancies or children…just all the hot stupid young swinging singles.

The other half of humanity creates clothing, grows food for themselves and the worthless ones, builds equipment…basically does all the work and keeps civilization functioning.  If they have machines and skillsets that must be passed on, it means that they have a working educational system.  They use the first group as a food source, sure, but without them the other ones would either starve or overpopulate their ecosystem.

Purely on the basis of looks, the second group is considered a bunch of scary monsters.

I’m totally Team Morlock.


P.S. Am I crazy to think that their system makes more sense?  At least there is a downside to being on welfare in their world.

An Invidious Comparison

Last month, there arose a story that spread around the Internet like wildfire.

Wait…wildfires don’t actually traverse DSL wires.  Rats.  Nor do hotcakes.

Okay, I don’t have a good metaphor, but regardless…”The Bible” mini-series was a tremendous hit for the History channel.  However, viewers noticed that the Moroccan actor playing Satan looked not too dissimilar from Barack Obama.  Right-wing commentators had a field day with this.


Now The Bible is out on DVD and Blu-Ray, which means even more people are paying attention to it and writing about the Satan/Obama comparison.  I think this is absolutely ridiculous, and it makes our side of the aisle look loopy.

Cripes, I never thought I’d be defending this guy, but too many people in the chattering classes are taking this way too far!  They’re going overboard, and in the interest of cooling things down, I think we should set a few things straight in his defense:

  • Satan is actually effective at his job.
  • Satan works very hard to achieve his aims.
  • Satan doesn’t take lavish vacations.  Really, the guy’s a workaholic.
  • Satan supports his armed forces, having served in it at one time as the leader.  He believes in their mission and their goals.
  • Satan does not vote “Present” on anything.
  • Satan does not say “Uh” or “Um.”
  • Satan understands economics on at least a grade-school level, and may have cracked open a text about it at one point.  He understands supply and demand.  He understands taxes and incentives.  He recognizes Ponzi schemes for what they are.
  • Satan would never refer to a terrorist as just “a guy who lives in my neighborhood.” Satan recognizes a terrorist as a terrorist.
  • Satan, being the master of damnation, knows that if something is truly torture, people don’t volunteer to undergo it as a demonstration of how bad it is.
  • If Satan heard that grade school children were singing songs about him, he would find it a little unsettling.
  • If celebrities were lauding Satan in videos where they each say a couple words over and over in a rapidly spliced repetitive montage, he would not only be creeped out by it but he would loudly ask his minions, “Who, who could possibly enjoy watching that?”

All right, that’s enough of that.  I think everyone would agree that none of these things describe President Barack Obama, so let’s hold off on this nonsensical and invidious comparison.


Update: Welcome IMAO readers!  You can sort through my tag cloud to see my other political and or/humorous musings.  Thanks for making me link of the day, Harvey!

Obama Wins Reelection

An interesting thing about Democrat reaction tonight.  NOBODY loves Obama.  They just hate Romney.

You know…I could understand the seething loathing from Democrats if we were running someone like Reagan-on-steroids, but in the last two elections our candidates were two of the most middling, almost-a-Democrat, reach-across-the-aisle non-partisans you could hope to find. One was a war hero who had survived capture by the Vietnamese and who Democrats lauded as their favorite Republican until he ran against Obama. The other is this shucky-darn squeaky-clean guy whose biggest “scandal” is that he once had no room in the car for his dog.

To hear Democrats tell it, they narrowly escaped being ruled by Master Blaster.

I shouldn’t be surprised.  They took a cute midwestern-ish middle-class woman who had put herself through college, become mayor of her town, then governor, taking on her own party for the betterment of her state, and turned her into a nightmarish horror who sends bills to rape victims while denying dinosaurs exist.

We had a candidate who probably swears less than Sarah Palin and who stays away from the hard drinks such as Mr. Pibb, and yet the Democrats successfully made people fearful of him.  Their raving egotist candidate hung out with Marxists in college (that’s his own words), studies with radicals, has no concept of how business works, and demonizes constantly…and we keep saying that he’s a nice guy and we just disagree with his policies.

Oh well.  Onward into the abyss of debt.

That wage question

The sad thing is that the “women earn 72% of what a man earns for the exact same job” factoid is peddled by professors of women’s studies who earn the same amount as for a professor of something useful like astronomy.

Wind Power’s Greatest Danger is Profitability

Painful debate tonight, just because I hate hearing the candidates accepting the stupid premises of the average joes in the town hall style forum. I would have preferred that Mitt Romney say, “If business owners can really hire a woman to do the exact same work for only 72% of a man’s wages, then women is all they’d hire. They’d save a bundle. But that’s just the nonsense that you learned in college from a women’s studies professor who would be out of a job if she admitted it’s all statistical malarkey.”

Of course, Romney can’t say that. Conservatives would be glad he got the truth out there and made people reconsider this old factoid… but Romney’s job is to win undecided votes, not to be right but lose in November. That’s the same reason he has to say that wind power is good.

I like the idea of wind power, but it’s still unprofitable. It only works with government assistance (like solar, The Volt and ethanol). If wind power made any economic sense, no government interference in the market would be needed. On top of that, they kill so many bats and birds of prey, including protected animals and American bald eagles (no longer Endangered, but we can’t afford to waste them).

If Exxon Mobile built wind turbines that killed bald eagles and falcons for huge profits, it’s the only thing the Left would ever talk about.

Did the Democrats ever apologize for creating the KKK?

Back circa 1865-1875, the Republican party and America’s black population shared a renaissance. The Republican party, having prevailed in the Civil War (and with most of the Democrats in the South out of power while Reconstruction began), passed the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments, along with a score of civil rights laws banning segregation and the like. Had these been properly enforced, America’s Blacks would have had a long battle of fighting entrenched racism, but would have done so from positions of power (in Mississippi, the population was 600K Black to 500K white, and in Florida it was 50-50). Also, racism would have withered away far sooner, since it’s hard to maintain ideas that Blacks are subhuman when you are interacting with them in desegregated classrooms, restaurants, railcars and the like.

For a brief, shining moment, there was real progress. Blacks were elected to local, state and national office. Congress saw the first Black Senator and Congressmen…all Republicans, by the way. The Black vote was 99.999% Republican, not just because Republicans had been founded as an anti-Slavery party, and a Republican President signed the Emancipation Proclamation, and because Republicans had signed the 13th Amendment ending slavery with only 23% of the northern Democrats supporting it, but because the Democrats were quite open about their support for slavery and then later their intent to “…keep their feet on the necks of the black race” as the main purpose of the party. (Lest you think that quote was from some random Klansman: it’s from the Democrats’ presidential candidate, Horace Greeley.) At the 1868 Democratic Convention, one of the honored delegates was Nathan Bedford Forrest, a general who massacred Black soldiers who surrendered during the War (burning them to death, burying them alive, drowning them and more) and then went on to be the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan!

A Black campaign worker for Mississippi testified to Congress that he had wandered the entire state and found ONE out of 600,000 Blacks who was a Democrat. If you were Black, you were Republican, pure and simple. The idea of a Black voting Democrat was an absurd proposition.

Unfortunately, the nation’s 100th birthday also brought the Democrats back into power, and with that all of the progress was squelched. Blacks still officially had the vote, but their ability to vote was suppressed. No, not by the demand for a photo ID that is open to any and all people to easily procure! Goodness, what a bunch of ninnies. No, we’re talking VERY OBVIOUS forms of outright voter suppression. The polling places for Blacks would be moved at the last minute. Or voting would require a multi-step process where Black voters had to visit several polling locations before their vote was considered. Or they’d have to pass a “literacy test” that required very arcane knowledge to pass. They’d be required to pay a poll tax that was out of the reach of the destitute former slaves. New laws would be passed that only children of past voters could vote. Districts were stripped of their power via complex gerrymandering. Oh, and if by some miracle a Black man navigated the many prohibitions and was able to cast a ballot, he would find a white man with a shotgun resting his heels on the ballot box, saying, “Ye’d bes’ be votin’ Democrat, nigger!” Thus identified as a “radical” (i.e. Republican) voter, many black Republicans found themselves visited later by some people wanting to introduce him to a piece of rope.

The Democrats would also run around the gravesites gathering names for false votes. Okay, not all forms of Democratic voter disenfranchisement ended in the 1960s.

The Black vote being suitably suppressed, the Democratic Party thus began their dominance in the south for a century. The Democrats weren’t “dominant” because they were popular! It was because the Black Republicans couldn’t vote at all and the white Republicans could do very little. White Republicans in office couldn’t push for the rights of Blacks because of the K.K.K., which identified them as troublemakers as well. Of the 4,743 people lynched, 1,297 were white.

The Democrats thus began the Jim Crow laws and the strict policy of segregation, holding back all African-American progress until the 1950s and 1960s. At the turn of the Century, it was Republican Teddy Roosevelt who invited Booker T. Washington to dinner at the White House, while Democrat Woodrow Wilson showed the film “Birth of a Nation” about the rise of the Klan.

Today’s leftists love to claim that, since the Republicans were “progressives” and “radicals” back when they formed, they’d all be left-wing Democrats today. They claim that Lincoln would be a Democrat, and all of those racist Democrats would be Republicans now, since conservative means “don’t change” and they didn’t want the racist South to change. That’s why Republicans are strong in the south now, you see. It’s all the racists flipping to Republican.

A couple problems with that. First, when did this change happen? In the 1950s, it was Democrats standing in schoolhouse doors and siccing dogs on the protestors, while Republican Eisenhower (the supposed epitome of the boring Republican white 50s guy) called out the National Guard. The Democrats were the ones with Klansman politicians like Robert Byrd. Sure, there’s Democrat David Duke who flipped to Republican, was heavily repudiated by the Republican party, and who later supported Democrats and Cindy Sheehan…but if you insist, I’ll give you that one.

Yet late into the 20th Century, the Republicans were still supporting civil rights more than Democrats did. When the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Act of 1968 came up for a vote, the Democrats had the numbers to pass it themselves without a single Republican vote…but couldn’t come close. Only 2/3rds of Democrats voted for it, while 83% of Republicans supported it. Of Democrats who supported it, like the openly-racist L.B.J., many did for reasons of political expediency. Blacks were voting Democrat in the north, and the writing was on the wall for the ability to exclude Blacks from voting in the South.

But more to the point, parties stand for principals. They issue platforms of their beliefs. Want to claim Lincoln’s yours? Isn’t there far more evidence that the rich, tax-cutting, commie-hating J.F.K. who believed “a rising tide lifts all boats” would be a Republican by today’s standards? Shouldn’t you take the Title IX-passing Nixon? We can do this all day long. But all of those candidates were in synch with the general direction of their party at the time, as stated by their party platforms. Want to grab the candidate as yours based on how a certain issue has moved to a different party today?

The racist Democrats of old have a lot in common with the Democrats of today. The dead voting, for one. But let’s look at Jim Crow laws. A meddling government law that requires a business owner to put in twice as many bathrooms, with twice as much plumbing, and the owner has to bear the expense? That sure sounds like Democrats. How about laws that say one paying customer has to be told where to sit, no matter how the business owner feels about it? Meddling Democrats again. Twice as many civic water fountains, taking up twice as much space and more plumbing, even though such doubling is a tax burden? Sounds like Democrats.

Okay, enough teasing. Here’s the point.

The reason Republicans suddenly grew strong in the South is not because of race, but because of every other change the Democrats have engaged in. It used to be that you could be a Democrat and be a gun-loving, crime-hating, anti-abortion Christian who loves the military. Since the 1960s, the Democrats have become openly hostile to all of those things (while still denying it come election time, when suddenly the effete city liberal is transformed into a big shotgun-wielding turkey hunter).

Someday, I’d like the Republican Party to get the Black vote back. I’m so certain it’s a possibility, that I’m pretty sure that’s why the Democrats go so overboard on the racist charge when there’s not a shred of evidence for it. It’s a big house of cards with only one joker card as the base.

For more on this:
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The Party of Civil Rights
Yes, the Party of Civil Rights

Gutless SNL passes up comedy gold for pandering

SNL finally does a skit that’s in even the mildest way critical of Barack Obama, and CNN thinks it needs to be fact-checked for maligning the President.  And it’s not as if Saturday Night Live was especially devastating; it attacks Obama for not being successful at implementing left-wing strategies.

Here’s what really bugs me about SNL: They’re missing comedy gold.  I believe that SNL should judiciously mock every politician, and in the past they’ve managed to do so even when given a whole herd of Democratic and Republican candidates to lampoon.  1988 and 1991-2 were great seasons for that, with Ackroyd doing Dole (“George, how would you like this pen stuck right in your neck?”), Franken playing Pat Robertson, and an entire array of Democrats giving reasons they did not want to go up against Bush (riding high on the Gulf War at the time).
Kiefer Sutherland’s “I’m old…and I’m only going to get older” and Phil Hartman as Mario Cuomo saying “I. Have. Mob. Ties!” still make me chuckle.

Last year’s SNL was pathetic.  All they can find to do with Obama is jokes about how he is so awesome that they can’t understand why we’re even having an election?  Obama seems an excellent source of material, so long as you’re 1) not pulling your punches against the black candidate and 2) not in the bag for the left-winger because you love his policies.  Any fair impression of him would have “uh… uh… uh…” interjected constantly when speaking off the cuff, and beautiful speeches when looking at a teleprompter.  This isn’t even touching on his policies, total lack of experience, constant campaigning, etc. etc. etc.

This spring, when he was flying around the world kissing the butts of dictators and apologizing for everything America has ever done while spurning our allies and handing out crummy gifts, I kept waiting for the awesome SNL skit that would result.  Something like this:

AIDE: Mr. President, may I present the President of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev.
DMITRY: Hello, Mr. President.  I would like to give you one of Russia’s greatest treasures: one of the original Faberge eggs.
OBAMA: Oh, wow.  That is amazing craftsmanship.  Thank you very much.  I don’t know if you heard…I got in trouble recently for some of the gifts I gave out.
DMITRY: Yes, the iPod for the Queen of England…
OBAMA:  Right, right.
DMITRY: And it’s filled with all of your speeches…
OBAMA: Right, yes.  And so…
DMITRY: And then you gave England back that bust of Winston Churchill because you didn’t want it cluttering up your Oval Office.
OBAMA: Well, that was a mista–
DMITRY: Or that collection of DVDs? DVDS?  You think the Prime Minister of Great Britain hasn’t seen The Wizard of Oz?
OBAMA: I know, I know.
DMITRY: They don’t even play in European DVD players!
OBAMA: Dmitry, all I can say is that I learned my lesson.  You know, I tried, I made a mistake.  This time, I’m doing it right.  Here’s a $40 gift card to Hollywood Video so you can pick out the movies you’ll like.  Plus, to start you off, here are a few of my personal favorites.
DMITRY: Uh…Mr. President…even if I wanted to watch, uh, “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead”…or uh, “Problem Child 3″… these aren’t going to play in my DVD player.  (He is escorted out.) Wait, this one’s all scratched.  What does “Previously Viewed” mean?

AIDE: Mr. President, the ambassador from Great Britain.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: On behalf of Her Majesty and our Prime Minister, we would like you to have this.
OBAMA: (Opening the package.) It’s a… pen?
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: That is the pen with which the treaty of Ghent was signed ending hostilities between our countries after the War of 1812, and thus beginning the new phase of friendship that has endured ever since.  It has been preserved in the London Museum of History for almost 200 years, and now we hand it over to you.
OBAMA: Uh… No, that’s fine. Okay.  Well, for you we have an American delicacy.  Rice-a-Roni.  Ever been to San Francisco?  They invented it there, so there you go.  That’s something for you to take home and share with the other, uh, Brits. British people.  English people.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR:  I… thank you, Mr. President.  Sure, I’ll try some Rice-a-Roni.
OBAMA: Oh, it’s not made up.  You have to supply the butter.  It’s in this box.  See, it’s rice…and (reads the box) uh, uh, vermicelli, uh, and it’s mixed up in this box with like some seasonings…
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: I KNOW WHAT RICE-A-RONI IS! We see it on your American game shows all the time!  Honestly, we give you an historic item of international significance and, and, like Don Pardo, you just give us a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni?
OBAMA: I didn’t say anything about a year’s supply. A box, you get one box.  It’s a year’s supply if you take very small bites and have some good Tupperware.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR:  This is an outrage.  Give me back the pen!
OBAMA: Where’s… does… hey, does someone have the… we don’t have the pen.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR:  What do you mean, you don’t have the pen?
OBAMA:  I think I gave it back to you already.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR:  Of course you didn’t!
OBAMA:  Well, I don’t know. It’s a pen. You know how it is with pens.  Now, if you wouldn’t mind?
(The ambassador leaves in a huff.)

AIDE: Mr. President, may I present Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan.
HAMID: Thank you, Mr. President.  As a token of our esteem for the sacrifices which your troops have made for our freedom, the nation of Afghanistan would like to give to you this twenty foot statue which you can see from this window.  Called “The Purple Fingers of Freedom”, it was crafted by our finest metalworkers from the remains of Taliban rocket launchers.  Please accept it with our blessings and our endless, undying gratitude.
OBAMA: (sniffs) Thank you.  I’m sure we can find a storage space for it somewhere.  And for you we have this…
HAMID: A package of Twinkies?
OBAMA: Well, one Twinkie.

AIDE: Next.  The Ambassador from Australia.
AUSTRALIAN AMBASSADOR: G’day Mr. President.  We found this rifle owned by a private collector.  This is the rifle that killed Crispus Attucks and sparked the war that led to your independence.  We present it to you.
OBAMA: Thank you.  (Aide whispers in his ear.) Before the Secret Service has a word with you about the wisdom of bringing a rifle used to kill a black man into the White House, I’d just like to give you this Shamwow.

AIDE: The new Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu.
NETANYAHU: Mr. Presid–
OBAMA: Let’s keep this quick.
NETANYAHU: Oh.  Uh, well, here. This is a gift from one free, demo-
OBAMA: Hey, it’s a watch. (Slips it into his pocket.)

NETANYAHU: Actually, that watch belonge-
: And here’s an iPod Shuffle with the audio versions of my two books.  Bye.  How we doing on time?
: We need to speed things up for your speech.
OBAMA: Just keep them coming, pop pop pop.

AIDE: The Prime Minister of Lithuania.
PM: A bottle of our finest wine that won the gold medal in 1938.
OBAMA: Here’s a bag of Oreos. Sorry it was opened.
AIDE: King of Spain.
KING OF SPAIN: Sword carried by Christopher Columbus.
OBAMA: Sweater I wore in college.
AIDE: The King of Canada, I think.
“KING”: A newly-discovered Edgar Allen Poe manuscript.
OBAMA: “Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders” for DOS on 3.5 floppy disks.
AIDE: Ambassador from Poland.
POLISH AMBASSADOR: Screen door from our first submarine. I’m kidding. It’s a Van Gogh painting we found in a Nazi mansion.
OBAMA: Here. Temporary tattoos of the Powerpuff Girls.
AIDE: French Ambassador.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR:  A working time machine.
OBAMA: Complete works of Tracey Chapman. Got it off of Limewire. Just copy it off the jump drive and give it back.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: Are you sure you…
OBAMA: We don’t have your pen!

AIDE: Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
OBAMA: Oh wow.  This is a real honor and a pleasure to have you here. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you could make it.  Just…wow.
AHMADINEJAD: I didn’t know I was supposed to bring anything.  No one told me.  I mean, no one ever invited me to anything before.
OBAMA: Please, forget about it.  You’re our guest.  For you, though, I have a real treat.  It’s an advance copy of my new book, “101 Reasons That America Sucks.”
AHMADINEJAD: Didn’t Howard Zinn already write that? Hahahahahaha!
OBAMA: Hahahahahaha!  Well, please, have a seat.  You’ll be at my table.  No preconditions!  Hahaaa!
AHMADINEJAD: Oh, Mr. President!  Ha!
AIDE: Ambassador from New Zealand.
NZ AMBASSADOR: The Lord of the Rings box set.
OBAMA: Whoa. That’s kind of a lame gift.  What, did you just hit the gift shop at the airport?  That’s so rude.  I almost think you don’t deserve this snowglobe of the White House.