Mark Steyn’s horror movie reviews come off as a bit whiney, though it would be hard not to whine when the subjects are “The Blair Witch Project,” “Interview With The Vampire,” “Wolf” and “Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.”

Especially “Blair Witch.” It’s fashionable to hate the movie now, but I hated it back before it was hip. Actually, that’s not true; I considered it a wasted opportunity. All of the “wandering in the forest” footage is an irritating timewaster. I realize they’re trying to be “unscripted” while ad-libbing, but the repetitious whining of “where the @&$# are we?” gets on my nerves. I may never have been an Eagle Scout, but I know enough to say, “Let’s figure out which way is north and walk in one direction.” And frankly, I’m a boring guy to be around but if I was wandering in the forest I could at least make some attempts at conversation. The great thing about being raised with inhibitions against swearing is it forces you to develop a vocabulary. In 90 minutes, there is one interesting bit of conversation where one guy corrects the others that it was “The Skipper” on Gilligan’s Island, not “The Captain”. That’s weak, I know, but what does it say about this movie that it’s the only line in 90 minutes that isn’t some derivation of “JOSH!” or “Where the f*** is the map?”

I think the most disappointing thing about the movie was that the Sci-Fi Channel’s promotional documentary was better written, more informative and quite creepy, wetting your whistle to go see a movie about three foul-mouthed incompetents who don’t know how to find North portrayed by three meager actors who don’t know how to ad-lib.