‘Van Helsing’: NBC’s First $200 Million Bust?

Stephen Sommers is another one of those filmmakers, like the ID4/Godzilla/Day After Tomorrow/Stargate team of Devlin-Emmerich or Michael Bay of The Rock/Armageddon/Pearl Harbor, whose movies are aimed at an audience of kids with A.D.D. By that, I mean that the films are big on explosions, obvious and unconvincing CGI FX, constant jump cuts, stunts clearly done using a computer, and continuous threats upon the lives of the main characters whom you don’t really care about because you’ve barely been introduced to them, all hung upon a reused plot.

Still, I liked The Mummy and I still love Independence Day, warts and all. I say that just so you don’t all think I’m some snooty devotee of only quality films like Howard’s End or, God Forbid, The Hours. I do have a classy side, sure.

But I bring this up because our society seems to be the point where we’re obligated to watch a movie because it’s big and it’s been advertised a lot. It doesn’t matter if everyone says it’s horrible, we all still plunk down our cash…and then wonder how it is that Hollywood keeps making awful overblown CGI-fests each year. Gee, could it be that they always break even or better? Even “Batman and Robin”, at an atrocious $200+ million, made a profit.

What’s worse is that the “overblown frantic CGI-fest” has become the reigning formula for blockbusters, eschewing any attempt at quality. I remember James Robinson said of Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (referring to the original 6-part origin story) that it “wasn’t a movie.” At first, I tried to figure out why a cut-down version of Moore’s story wouldn’t work just fine as a film. Then I realized that what he was really saying was that the story wouldn’t convert to a constant-action-and-SFX movie. True. But when LXG bombed, one wonders if anyone in Hollywood mulled over whether it was the insipid storyline and execution, if a quality production of it couldn’t have worked. Or maybe they just blamed it all on the lack of big-name stars for all the parts, or some equally handy excuse.

I may see Van Helsing. It’s an intriguing concept for a movie. But all the warning signs are there. The CGI. The action. The fact that there is only one funny line in all of the trailers. And the basic fact that Stephen Sommers’ absolute best movie is The Mummy, and if you take away the excellent cast even that movie is mediocre.

Oh, and if you haven’t seen them, you MUST watch Searching for Bobby Fischer and Shadowlands. Actual quality movies with acting and plot, plus the best non-gangster performance by Joe Mantegna. (Or maybe it’s the only non-gangster performance by Joe Mantegna.) If I had to choose between spending $8 apiece plus popcorn to see Van Helsing or buying the DVD of one of those good films, I’d definitely choose the latter.