Hutch and I talked about me doing this as a semi-regular comedy-type feature. So here we go. There are battles we want to see but never get to. Battles that SHOULD happen but either haven’t or simply haven’t YET. But why wait? Why not ask the question: WHAT IF THEY FOUGHT?!

This entry’s fights: Ma Hunkel vs. the android Red Tornado AND Bucky vs. Jason Todd!

FIGHT #1: Golden Age Red Tornado (Ma Hunkel) VS. Modern Age Red Tornado (sometimes called John Smith)

THE PLAYERS
RED TORNADO (Ma Hunkel) – one of the first female heroes of the Golden Age in DC Comics, Ma Hunkel was a woman who was unwilling to let thieves and ruffians dirty her neighborhood. Donning a cooking pot on her head and putting together a costume from long-johns, a t-shirt, boxer shorts and a blanket, she became the Red Tornado! Whether with a rolling pin or her bare hands, she met out justice with a no-holds-barred attitude and would have joined the JSA in their first official meeting if her pants hadn’t ripped while she was climbing in through the window. Clearly, a force to be reckoned with!

RED TORNADO (the android) — Originally an elemental spirit known as the Tornado Tyrant, this being was touched by the examples of Earth’s heroes and sought to be a champion instead. Coming to Earth, the Tornado Champion became fused with an android that was newly built by Professor Ivo, an android he dubbed the NEW Red Tornado. Able to command the winds and wield hurricane force from his hands, the android Red Tornado served with distinction on the Justice League, the team called Primal Force, and was the adult supervisor of the team Young Justice.

DING! DING! DING!
ROUND ONE!

The two opponents meet in the ring. Ma Hunkel balls her hands into fists, waving them threateningly as she circles the android. The android stares at her, frowning slightly.

"I’m sorry," he asks, "what is the point of this?"

"We’re fighting," Ma shouts. "To finally determine who is the TRUE Red Tornado! HEE-YAH!"

She jumps into the air, her large frame moving with her patented lack of grace as she slams her fists across the android’s jaw. A moment’s pause … Ma Hunkel quickly jumps back, trying to ignore the dull pain in her hand after having punched metal. The android frowns again.

"Why are we doing this?" he asks.

DING!
ROUND TWO!

"Ready for more?" Ma threatens. "I’m just warming you up, Tin Man!"

"Why do you even call yourself the Red Tornado?" the android asks. "You have no wind abilities to speak of and you’re not particularly fast."

"Fast ENOUGH!" Ma Hunkel cries out and charges head forward, her cooking-pot helmet slamming into the android’s stomach and knocking him down.

"HA! I knocked the wind out of you, Robot!"

"Hardly," the android mutters. With a wave of his hand, he sends Ma Hunkel flying out of the ring. "Really, why are we doing this? This isn’t what Guy Gardner said we would be doing when I signed up for this. I’m just confused."

WINNER: Android Red Tornado!

FIGHT #2: Bucky (now called the Winter Soldier) VS. Jason Todd (now Red Hood … or Evil Nightwing … um … just call him Jason, actually)

THE PLAYERS:
Bucky Barnes – Once sidekick to Captain America, a guy who stands shoulder-to-shoulder with superhumans despite not having actual powers. He fought in WW II and got blown up by Baron Zemo, a guy who got chemicals on his face because of Cap, only to come back later as a cyborg assassin who’d lost his memory and true path.

Jason Todd – Once sidekick to Batman, a guy who stands shoulder-to-shoulder with superhumans despite not having actual powers. He fought crime for a while and then got blown up the Joker, a guy who got chemicals on his skin trying to escape from Batman, only to come back later as a resurrected killing vigilante who had lost his true path and even his memory for a while.

DING! DING! DING!
ROUND ONE!

A dark rooftop. Both opponents approach carefully. The Winter Soldier sizes up his enemy, debating which of his many weapons he should use first. Perhaps a bullet to the kneecap from afar, only afterwards moving in for the kill. Jason Todd looks at him as well and then frowns.

"Wait …" Jason mutters. "Aren’t you … dead?"

"Well … I was … I got better."

"And turned into a cyborg?" Jason asks. "What the Hell, man?"

"Well, it turned out I didn’t die during that explosion. I mean I did die, but I wasn’t dead enough they couldn’t bring me back. I was just brain-damaged and missing an arm, you know?"

"So … you became a cyborg soviet assassin."

"Well, I had brain damage!" the Winter Soldier shouts. "Got corrupted before I finally remembered everything!"

"And conveniently no one even heard of you until now. And now you’re sort of a bad guy when once you were the big hero’s sidekick."

"Um … yeah."

DING!
ROUND TWO!

"Wait!" the Winter Soldier says. "Aren’t YOU dead too?"

"That’s totally different!" Jason says, throwing up his hands.

"But aren’t you?"

"Okay, yes, TECHNICALLY I was beaten to death with a crowbar and then left in a warehouse with a bomb."

"So you died. How do you get better from that?"

"Well, about six months later this teenager in a different dimension punched a really thick crystal wall and it made me not dead."

"… seriously?"

"Yeah. Apparently I wasn’t SUPPOSED to die, so he made it right again."

"By punching a wall …"

" … yeah …"

"… and no one knew you were alive that whole time?"

"Well," Jason begins, "I was … brain damaged …"

" … and corrupted by one of your mentor’s enemies?"

"… yeah … and I didn’t get my memories back till later."

DING!
ROUND THREE!

"So," the Winter Soldier remarks, "… you sort of a bad guy now too?"

"Um, yeah …” Jason Todd says, shrugging. “I mean, I kill people but I think I’m doing the right thing, you know?"

"Sure, sure, I hear ya … um … So when did you first show up again?"

"Um, maybe a year and a half ago. You?"

"About a year ago."

"Huh …" Jason muses.

"Yeah …" the Winter Soldier remarks.

"Well … this is weird … Um … instead of fighting, you just wanna go in different directions and kill other people instead?"

"Yeah, yeah," the Winter Soldier agrees. "I feel like if we think about these coincidences for too long, we’ll brain-freeze or something."

"And you’d know all about freezing."

"Screw you, piñata boy. Later!"

The Winter Soldier jumps off the rooftop, leaving as Jason Todd scratches his head and goes down the fire escape.

"Maybe," Jason Todd wonders, "the Winter Soldier is actually the Earth-Two version of ME. Maybe THAT’S why we’re so similar … nah."

WINNER: Continuity parallels!

THE END (for now!)

ALAN KISTLER was bored at work and figured he’d have some fun writing these dialogue scenes. Deal with it. 😀