Discovery Channel – Columbus: Secrets From the Grave follows a descendent of Columbus who tries to find out what the explorer’s heritage was. I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently there have been many rumors and controversies over the years. Was he indeed Spanish? Was he the son of a pope? Was he…Jewish?

What? Jewish? Frankly, I find that hard to believe. There’s plenty of evidence that this theory is wrong.

For one thing, he didn’t come any closer than 90 miles to Florida.

And I should think he would have been able to get a lot more than three measly boats with the queen’s jewels! Come on, those are retail prices!

Plus, I’m sorry, but those trips were really long and the men were restless. You get Columbus talking about how the ship keeps rocking which is giving him gas, and all that time at the helm really aggravates his bursitis in his joints and his doctor says he needs to wear a special brace, and the sea air is so salty it’s really bad for his asthma, and then there are all those islands with the heat and aw jeez they’re so humid in the jungles and… well, let’s face it, they’d have thrown him overboard.

“Aw jeez, the sharks are biting me with the thing and…”

Sorry, sorry. I feel like I could do a solid 20 minute set on Columbus being Jewish. You can’t tell me some Catskills comedian doesn’t have this routine already.